


Its Okay to Cry

by lahlastormborn



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Loss, Minor Character Death, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 12:37:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4919860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lahlastormborn/pseuds/lahlastormborn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt "Its okay to cry..." as requested on tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Its Okay to Cry

Silence. A high pitched ringing struck through Kayas ears as an alarm would waking a sleeping being. The blood was surprisingly cold, a thick black that oozed and tainted the earth the moment it touched its soil. And even as the light left his eyes and his blood stained her skin, Kaya stayed there; crouched and unmoving. He had apologized to her, his last breathes wasted on words he had never needed to say. He was never the one who had to speak the words “I’m Sorry”. No, the only one that should have ever uttered such words was she.

And she had failed to do so. Twice she had failed him. Existence of the world slowly came back into light as her companions gathered around the collapsed elf. Tears collected, stinging her dry eyes; threatening to reveal her vulnerability. Dirtied fingers gripped the lifeless body, holding it close to herself as she hid her face in hope that her emotions would not be revealed. Around her people’s voices were heard, speaking to her and to others. Even as she heard their words, acknowledging their meaning was another thing entirely. 

How long had she been there, sitting in the muck and pooling blood. How many had tried to draw her attention away from the grief stricken state that paralyzed her. It was so cold, so very cold. A gentle hand of warmth lay upon her shoulder, slowly pulling her from the dead atmosphere that surrounded her. Deep breaths, she sat back; cold eyes meeting a pair full of sympathy, golden and holding nothing but concern for her. She’s not the one that deserves this treatment, she deserved none of this sympathy. But how selfish she was, how much she wanted for these feelings to be felt for her and only her. 

A voice of comfort spoke her name softly, golden eyes shifting down to the corpse that had once held Kayas friend. “I need to bury him…” a voice so small and cracked spoke, she was surprised to find that it belonged to her. A nod from the owner of the soft eyes and a gentle “okay” was spoken; cueing her to rise to her feet, placing her former friend to rest peacefully upon the ground. 

Smoothing out the itchy cotton of her dirtied clothes, she attempted to ignore the blood and mud that was caked upon her skin, painting her dark and nearly unrecognizable. Shifting, she spared a glance towards the camp, the fire illuminating the surrounding area; its light not quite reaching her. People gathered together; the red flames casting an eerie glow upon their faces, causing an almost foul atmosphere to emanate. At that moment, they were all strangers. No longer were they the companions that had stood by her but foreign faces that followed her with scrutiny. 

A strong hand placed itself on the small of her back, a familiar gesture. The feeling of love slowly flittered through her before being consumed by the everlasting sadness. Leading her away, she was brought to the edge of the forest that bordered the camp. The hand was removed, the warmth that was once there now replaced by the cold causing her to shiver. Wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt to conserve heat, numbness began to finally set in. An unreadable expression made its way onto her visage, the shock taking over her body. It was so quiet as if the world knew of the tragedy that occurred, as if it were mourning alongside her. How desperately she wanted to fill this silence, cry and scream at the world for what it had done to her and those that she loved. Why was it so cruel? Everything was failing and falling apart, and all she could think of was the mistakes she made. If she had never allowed those events to happen she….

“Mahariel?” the voice was faint and fuzzy, though she recognized it from before. A figure walked before her, taking her shoulders into their hands and the warmth returned. “Alistair?” she spoke softly, her voice once again coming out choked. He gazed into her eyes, a stinging sensation of tears forming once more became evident to her. Looking away, she did her best to hold them back for as long as she could. She couldn’t let him see her cry if she wished to be viewed as a strong leader. 

With a glance to the side, she ran her eyes along the shell of Tamlen, its tainted lifeless face staring back at her. All she could see was the fear and pain that Tamlen must have experienced all this time. Taking a deep breath, she once again knelt beside him; hands folded tightly in her lap. 

“I-I don’t really know how you want to do this, but I will help in any way I can.” Alistair was at eye level now, but Kaya avoided his gaze still, responding with a simple nod. Eyes never leaving the ghouls body, she shifted it so that there was enough space to begin digging. She clawed at the damp ground, dirt and muck finding its way under her nails, roughness of the ground cracking them and cutting through the soft flesh on top of her hand as she dug deeper. A sniffling and sad whine came from beside her where Alistair once sat, though she hadn’t noticed him leave. Turning her head to face the noise, she stared into the solemn eyes of her mabari, Finn. His emotions reflected her own as he came closer, nudging into her side before placing his paws besides her hands, adding to the effort to dig a sufficient grave. 

She continued, never stopping to look away as dirt spread across her arms, legs, and chest. She must have been a frightening sight to others. Boots made their way into her vision along with a shovel. “This might make things a bit easier…” spoke Alistair, worry lacing his voice. Giving him a quick look, Kaya took the shovel into her hands and stood. With strong movements, Kaya put all emotion into striking the ground until she had broken through the earth; leaving an eternal scar upon the land, a mark that would hold the consequence of one of her greatest mistakes. 

The body was lifted into the grave, molding with the soft soil. It was a tradition to plant the seed of a tree along with her people that passed into the Beyond, but Kaya doubted that the sickness that the body held would only cause a twisted sick tree to grow. A symbol such as that was not what Tamlen deserved as a mark of his life. Stepping away from the grave, the dirt was placed back into its proper place, covering Tamlen in a dark blanket where he could finally rest in peace. 

Placing her hand upon the fresh ground; Kaya brought herself to her knees, bowing her body over the mound and whispered words of parting. 

“Dar'atisha…  
...Tuelanen ama na…  
...Lethallin.”

Hours passed, but she never moved from her place. Alistair had long since gone back to the camp, giving her the moments alone she desperately needed. Finn lay beside her, head in her lap as he gave her a look of comfort now and then. Still, as the sun began to wake not a single tear had managed to escape her eyes. In a daze like state, she finally moved away from the grave. Legs cramped and stiff, she struggled to stand as pins and needles rippled through her. Making her way to the camp, she saw that the fire was now merely red embers; their glow slowly fading as the new day began. Finn close behind her, he kept a watchful eye on the warden to assure she was safe. 

Approaching her empty tent, she felt something in her break before finally collapsing. A cold feeling burst through her followed by unbearable heat. Her chest felt heavy and it began to grow harder to breath. Trembling, she gave out a small cry before Finn was by her side. Pulling him against herself she clutched onto the mabari with her life, burying her face into his short hair. As an unstoppable weight seemed to bare down on her, she finally let her anguish overflow in the form of tears. All who heard her cries could feel the pain she screamed out, striking them in the chest like a hot blade. 

“Mahariel…” spoke Alistair’s soothing voice, stepping outside his tent at the sound of her agonizing sobs. He approached her cautiously, not wanting to scare her into raising her defensive walls as she always did. Turning her head just enough to peer over at him; eyes puffy, red, and full of tears, she left all emotion in the open. Shaking as another sob made its way through her, Alistair finally sat beside her; heart breaking with every shuddering breath she took.

Hesitantly, Alistair reached out and took her hand in his own; a stark contrast between hot and cold skin making itself known. “Kaya…” 

Not wanting to face him in this state; one she had never intended him to ever see, she quickly fought away the seemingly never ending tears, brushing them away from her eyes with her free hand. Shocked and speechless for once, Alistair took her furious hand into his other and held it to his chest. Still avoiding his gaze, she froze waiting for words to be spoken. 

And, after many moments of silence, Alistair finally broke through, “It’s okay to cry.” 

Biting her lip, she turned to face him. Holding a sincere look of love within his eyes, she fell into him, wrapping herself into his embrace before letting another pained cry escape her. Pulling her deeper into himself, he rubbed soothing circles on her back. In a normal circumstance he was sure that this would have a heavy feeling of awkwardness. But, this seemed to only come naturally to him. Like he was meant to hold her this way, never to let go because right now she was the one that needed protection. Right now she wasn’t the warden or his leader. She was a young girl that had waited much too long to finally let go of these tears.

**Author's Note:**

> Elvhen Translation:
> 
> Dar'atisha - "Go Peacefully / Go in Peace"  
> Tuelanen ama na - "Creators protect you"  
> Lethallin - "Friend"


End file.
